The Relationship Foundation debuts on the Huffington Post

The Relationship Foundation
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http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michael-jascz/bullying-why-social-and-e_b_1411306.html

More to come!

Social media’s evidence of a cultural problem

The Relationship Foundation
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Nico Lang’s recent article, “Mean Girls On Twitter ,” so keenly points to the cultural bullying problem by its presence in Twitter/social media sites.

Lang juxtaposes the social media responses to Lindsay Lohan and Taylor Swift around the time of their most recent SNL hostings. In both their shows, Lang notes that Swift and Lohan each had opening monologues that felt flat; and both participated in a recurring and seemed to struggle through it in the same ways.

Except afterward, Swift was generally supported on social media sites like Twitter, while Lohan was criticized to a degree of cruelty.

Possibilities are offered as to why the difference in public response, but Lang also makes it clear that any/all of those possibilities do not excuse the destructiveness of the culture. Lang writes,

“…[N]othing about the ways in which some tore down Lohan’s performance was particularly helpful or constructive, and this backlash will only serve to further destroy the career of someone who is publicly struggling to improve herself…When her personal life crumbled, the public that raised her helped orchestrate her downfall. The very same people who supported her when she battled her issues with her parents seemed to take a perverse pleasure in her failure.”

Why?…

We may never know. But as Lang points out there is a way to stop it, one person at a time. “If we want others to succeed, we must bring out the best in ourselves,” states Lang.

Be the change. Prove that social media can be a source of support and positivity.

Take the vow to never again use social media to post H8.

How to end high school violence

The Relationship Foundation
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For the town of Chardon, Ohio, February comes to a tragic close. It was announced today that a third student from Monday’s Chardon High School shooting has died. To all involved in this heartbreak, we offer our deepest sympathies and condolences.

What could be behind these killing sprees? What do we see when we look more closely at the relationships in the lives of these young adults?

According to multiple reports, personal information about TJ Lane, the suspected Chardon shooter, is now beginning to surface. Geauga County court records indicate Lane’s father has a history of violence against women, including Lane’s mother. Thomas Lane, Jr. (TJ’s father) was previously accused of assaulting a police officer and was once convicted of trying to suffocate a former wife(1).

Eric Harris (left) and Dylan Klebold (right) were the 1999 gunmen in what is now known as the Columbine High School massacre, the deadliest high school shooting on record. Allegedly, both boys endured years of bullying both in and out of school.

Nathan Vanderau, a friend of Klebold, reported that Harris and Klebold were constantly picked on, noting that a “cup of fecal matter” was once thrown at them(2).

From Eric Harris’ journal, “Everyone is always making fun of me because of how I look, and how…weak I am…That’s where a lot of my hate grows from. The fact that I have practically no self-esteem”(3).

Cho Seung-Hui was the lone gunman at the Virginia Tech University shooting in 2007. Since his suicide the day of the shooting, reports have come out about the social rejection Seung-Hui endured after emigrating from South Korea.

“Through high school, he was teased for his shyness and unusual speech patterns. Some classmates even offered their lunch money to Cho just to hear him talk…The whole class started laughing and pointing and saying, ‘Go back to China.’…A classmate stated that ‘there were just some people who were really cruel to him, and they would push him down and laugh at him. He didn’t speak English really well, and they would really make fun of him.’…Other reports say Cho was stuffed into garbage cans and made to eat garbage”(4).

What would the outcomes have been for all of the above cases if bullying had never been a factor?

Mental illness is another similarity among the group. Seung-Hui, prior to the shooting, had been diagnosed with selective mutism and major depressive disorder. Analysis of journals has led some experts to believe that Eric Harris may have been a psychopath, and Dylan Klebold a depressive. It’s possible that mental disability is solely to blame; however, for those who so quickly jump to that conclusion it can feel a bit like they’re refusing to consider any social influence/s.

It’s also hard not to notice that these shooters are all male. Although from a slightly older age bracket, Timothy McVeigh and Anders Behring Breivik are two more male mass-murderers that come to mind. Coincidence, or is there any chance that the social stigma against men talking about their needs and feelings/asking for help may somehow be involved?

What if all of these young men had been exposed both at home and in school to healthy, compassionate, supportive relationships? What if they were taught how to effectively communicate?

This is a call to non-violence. Help The Relationship Foundation explore if relationship education can be a preventative measure to such tragedies.

Let’s make these high school shootings a thing of the past. There is a better way.

(1)    http://www.cleveland.com/chardon-shooting/index.ssf/2012/02/parents_of_teen_accused_of_sho.html
(2)    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KikvzIlNg9g
(3)    http://www.acolumbinesite.com/eric/writing/journal.html
(4)    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seung-Hui_Cho

Teens ask YouTube

The Relationship Foundation
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Some experts say it’s the Digital Age’s translation of natural adolescent expression of the desire for acceptance. Other experts say teens are doing it because it “quells anxiety.” Realistically, it’s some combination of at least the two:

Teens and tweens posting YouTube videos of themselves asking, “Am I ugly or pretty?”

http://jezebel.com/5886241/teens-are-now-asking-youtube-commenters-if-theyre-ugly

During roughly the same time period as Jezebel’s YouTube exposé, another teen’s use of the Internet was going viral:

For a Huffington Post article, Renee goes on to write, “On Tumblr, as odd as it seems, some people truly see through society. The only place they feel safe and able to express these opinions is on their blog…This says a lot about media causing self-image problems, in my opinion.”

That’s quite some insight coming from an 18-year-old!

My eyes skim back over “depression and eating issues.” Renee has been no exception to struggles with the media-influenced self. Her Tumblr post is evidence that she is allowing awareness to help her rise above the insecurities. Her post also speaks volumes about the supportive potential/power of the Internet. That is a beautiful thing!

But what about these teens posting videos asking (vs. Renee’s stating) whether or not they are beautiful? Many if not most are younger than Renee. What can we do to help these young adults gain Ms. DuShane’s level of awareness now, before their insecurities begin to leave scars? Help them reach a place where they don’t feel the need to define themselves by the opinions of others.

The Relationship Foundation has a few ideas.

Very happy to report that in response to the Huffington Post’s recent article about hunger blogs, Tumblr announced a policy change:

Don’t post content that actively promotes or glorifies self-injury or self-harm. This includes content that urges or encourages readers to cut or mutilate themselves; embrace anorexia, bulimia, or other eating disorders; or commit suicide rather than, e.g., seek counseling or treatment for depression or other disorders. Online dialogue about these acts and conditions is incredibly important; this prohibition is intended to reach only those blogs that cross the line into active promotion or glorification. For example, joking that you need to starve yourself after Thanksgiving or that you wanted to kill yourself after a humiliating date is fine, but recommending techniques for self-starvation or self-mutilation is not.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/02/23/tumblr-issues-statement-r_n_1296857.html?ref=high-school

“Blogs that currently share this type of content would be given a brief grace period to either edit their posts or remove them from the site. Secondarily, the site would begin to display public service announcements alongside search results for keywords related to self-harm, such as “proana,” “thinspo,” “thinspiration,” “purge,” “bulimia,” “anorexic,” and so on.”

Thank you Tumblr, for showing care for those who support you.

More than half a million U.S. teens have had eating disorder

The Relationship Foundation
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In 2011, the largest and most comprehensive analysis of eating disorders was released by the Archives of General Psychiatry*. It involved nationally representative data on more than 10,000 teens aged 13 to 18.

The study revealed that more than half a million U.S. teens have had an eating disorder but few have sought treatment for the problem.

Binge-eating            1.5%
Bulimia                     Just under 1%
Anorexia                  .3%
Overall                     3% had a lifetime prevalence of one of the disorders
Symptoms (not full-fledged disorders)   3%

More than half the affected teens had depression, anxiety or some other mental disorder. Sizeable numbers also reported suicide thoughts or attempts.

Sadly, many teens who are aware that they are suffering from depression don’t want to ask for help because of the correlation between antidepressants and weight gain. They’d rather be depressed than gain any weight.**

Equally disturbing was, “The Hunger Blogs,” an Huffington Post article about the pro-eating disorder blogs found on Tumblr that thousands*** of teens flock to for “thinspo.” From Tumblr’s dictionary:

Thinspo
noun
short for “thin-spiration,” photos of wafer-thin girls, pro-anorexia quotes.

No huge surprise, the thinspo community often overlaps with Tumblr’s health and fitness blogs. Just look for the words “Trigger Warning,” thinsp code that you’ve reached a pro-anorexia blog. The blogs are platforms for recording one’s weight loss; posting “inspirational” pictures of dangerously thin models; and tips for staving off hunger and burning extra calories.

Can you really blame these teens? They’re constantly bombarded by images of people photoshopped and airbrushed to a skewed and often unattainable level of “perfection.” We need to help create healthier relationships between these industries and the consumer, because what many are willing to risk to achieve this “perfection” is chilling.

“[Thinspo blogs] can help you lose weight so fast that you won’t have time to get an eating disorder…I’m not afraid. I’m ready to risk for perfection.”

*The study is based on kids and parents interviewed over two years ending in 2004. But co-author and researcher Kathleen Merikangas of the National Institute of Mental Health says similar rates likely exist today.
**Taken from: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/judith-j-wurtman-phd/antidepressant-weight-gain_b_832294.html
***(Last name withheld) Kate’s thinspo blog alone has 5,000 followers.

Some facts about “The Month of Love”

The Relationship Foundation
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Ah, Valentine’s Day…

• Average number of roses produced for Valentine’s Day: 196 million

• Percent of Valentine’s Day cards bought by women: 85%

• Percent of flowers bought by men: 73%

• Amount the average consumer spends on Valentine’s Day: $116.21

• February is the most active month for divorce.

Most important value presented in teen-targeted TV shows: FAME

The Relationship Foundation
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The following information was taken from:

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/07/110712094237.htm

A UCLA study* examined the values presented by popular family-TV characters in each decade (2 shows per decade) from 1967 to 1997. The study revealed that on a list of 16 values, fame jumped from the 15th spot, where it was in both 1987 and 1997, to the first spot in 2007. From 1997 to 2007, benevolence (being kind and helping others) fell from second to 13^th.

Community feeling (being part of a group) was the No. 1 value in 1967, 1977 and 1997, the study found. By 2007, it had fallen to 11^th.

In 2007, benevolence dropped to the 12th spot and community feeling fell to 11th. Financial success went from 12th in 1967 and 1997 to fifth in 2007.

This study analyzed the values within the constructed “realities” of television shows, but it’s hard to deny the reflections of our culture.

Yalda T. Uhls (UCLA doctoral student in developmental psychology) notes that the biggest change “occurred from 1997 to 2007 [with] YouTube, Facebook and Twitter.” Coincidence? These are social networking sites that are “intrinsically narcissistic,” according to Patricia M. Greenfield (UCLA distinguished professor of psychology and director of the Children’s Digital Media Center @ Los Angeles). The principle of their platforms are based largely on the idea of building as big of an audience – Facebook friends; Youtube views; Twitter followers – as possible, while publicizing yourself/your life.

In his recent article, On Fame**, comedian Ricky Gervais keenly pointed out that “’Fame’ used to be fused with ‘respect’ in some ways. That’s what distinguished it from infamy. But not any more.” Today, fame seems to be synonymous with lots of attention, good or bad. There is a noticeable imitation of this in the way many teens will post praiseworthy and incriminating/self-deprecating pictures with equal enthusiasm.

We all have the need for attention and recognition. In the digital age, with the simple click of a mouse, one can publicize whatever they want and receive comments/likes/shares/etc. instantly. But is what’s gained at all meaningful and lasting? Or are these just examples of instant gratification, shallow fixes that leave the poster feening for more?

What do young adults think is the result of fame? As the Science Daily article points out, the fame presented on many of these shows is delusional and unrealistic. Substance abuse, infidelity, eating disorders, depression, anxiety and seclusion are all much more commonly reported by those who have experienced real fame, and especially so for those whose fame began during adolescence.

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I’m not blaming fame for celebrities’ problems. Most, if not all, who struggle come into fame with issues already in tow. Many celebrities have shared that the reason they believe they became so good at singing/dancing/acting/etc., was because they put so much time into the hobby to escape personal problems that they consequently excelled.

4 of the 6 above dealt with parental divorce; from those 4, 3 of the 4 have themselves been divorced at least once. We repeat what we know…

It’s hard enough as a non-celebrity to process hardships, relationships (damaging or otherwise), trauma, etc. that affects one in life. Celebrities have the added pressure of going through that while the world watches, enables and shamelessly judges/criticizes.

It’s not all glitz and glamour.

*Study published in the July issue of Cyberpsychology: Journal of Psychosocial Research on Cyberspace, a peer-reviewed journal featuring psychosocial research on the impact of the Internet on people and society.
**Ricky Gervais, On Fame: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ricky-gervais/on-fame_b_1253273.html?ref=celebrity&ir=Celebrity

Is a wedding a distraction from or celebration of a relationship?

The Relationship Foundation
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There are twelve wedding TV shows currently on the air. Yup, twelve:

Amazing Wedding Cakes
Bridezillas
Bulging Brides
My Big Redneck Wedding
My Fair Wedding with David Tutera
Platinum Weddings
The Real Wedding Crashers
Rich Bride Poor Bride
Rock the Reception
Say Yes To The Dress
A Wedding Story
TLC Weddings

What do viewers think when they watch these shows? What are these shows implying about gender roles? What’s really been said?

Since it’s often touted as “good for inspiration,” I tuned in to My Fair Wedding With David Tutera. After watching the show for a week, I got that: if your wedding doesn’t cost at least $50,000 you and your wedding are lacking, and you should treat your soon-to-be husband more like an accessory than your partner in the planning process. Oh! And unless David Tutera picked it out for you, your dress is ugly.

What I got from watching the other shows was similarly bleak, yet we as a community keep watching. While divorce rates hover around 50%, the demand for wedding shows increases and the average cost of a wedding in the United States swells to $24-$30,000.

The glamorized TV brides and grooms are no exception. If there’s one thing the public loves more than a celebrity wedding (William & Kate and Kim Kardashian & Kris Humphries come to mind), it’s a celebrity divorce:

This chart was in an article about Sinead O’Connor & Barry Hirridge’s 16-day marriage. Sinead has since made two suicide attempts.

By the end of my peek into the Wedding Industrial Complex, my head was spinning. I came to find in what was presented that whether friendships between friends and/or family were severed, regardless of how much the bride and groom-to-be fought, and despite any financial concerns, keeping the wedding on track was always the priority. The party, attention, and stuff (so much stuff!) trumped the relationships.

Equally concerning is the way both the public and the media put that fairytale wedding on a pedestal, ignore the damage done (unless, of course, dramatic enough to make for “good TV”), and then swarm like vultures over the inevitable breakups of spotlighted relationships that were doomed from the beginning….Set ‘em up to watch ‘em fall!

Do we really tune in just for the ego boosts (“We got our problems, but we are DEFINITELY better than those people!”)? When you turn off the TV is there really no residue that nestles somewhere in the wrinkles of the brain?

There seems to be an expectation of weddings to calm/cure insecurities and fill needs that aren’t being met.

Perhaps what both men and women too often overlook is actually a rather simple question:

Do I want the experience of a marriage or a wedding?