October is National Anti-Bullying Awareness Month

There are many forms of bullying present in the world today. Racism is a form of bullying. Many homophobic words are spoken everyday, many misogynistic remarks; any prejudice is a form of bullying. Stop and Frisk is bullying. As long as we are putting people down this is a bullying nation. Still it’s the personal stories that really get to me.

Earlier this year I read about Karen Klein the school bus monitor. Maybe you remember it? I for one could never imagine speaking to a sixty-something year old woman the way those middle school children spoke to her. Nor would I think it was my business to tell news anchor Jennifer Livingston that she is unsuitable for her job because of her weight. I would be beyond mortified to be connected to such negative statements.

There have been so many memorable cases of bullying and its horrifying consequences this past couple of years. People are going to great lengths to make others miserable. Take Megan Meier. A schoolmate’s mother created a false MySpace account and pretended to be a boy interested in this young girl. In what universe is this okay? This thirteen year old girl then took her own life because this fictitious boy decided one day that the world would be better off without her. Whose world? Surely not the world that her parents or her friends live in.

I want to return to Livingston’s story and praise her for sticking up for herself. If someone commented about my weight in such a cruel manner, I may go home and cry, or yell or complain. Yet none of these behaviors are going to make me any skinner or stop the bullying. Instead, Livingston decided to speak out to the children and parents listening. She made the wonderful point of how bullying is a learned behavior. Parents calling someone fat only teaches their kids that this behavior is okay. Parenting is something we can’t take lightly. And it is to your benefit to be the best parent you can be… for all you know your kids will soon be calling you fat. And then how will you feel?

It seems people are finally trying to stand up to bullying, which is perhaps a reason why all of these stories I have mentioned are getting so much attention. Much more still needs to be done. This is an epidemic. It is lethal. Further steps need to be taken against bullying. Self-confidence needs to be promoted. People need to build each other up instead of gruesomely tearing them down. People need to be more accountable for their words. People need to learn about empathy at an earlier age. But more than this, we need to speak up about it and demand a change. As Jennifer Livingston said, “the cruel words of one are nothing compared to the shouts of many.”

-Maria

How often do we open the newspaper to see a new cheating scandal–be it a U.S. Senator, celebrity, or our favorite sports figure? Pretty often, right? And how often do you see someone on TV being promiscuous? Pretty often, right? What message does this send our children? Does this say to them that it is so prevalent and everyone is doing it, therefore, it’s fine? Are our youth going to learn from this? Learn to be better than we are? Do they see how hurtful it is to those involved? How does it feel to be Chelsea Clinton? Arnold’s children? Robert Pattinson? How do Tiger Wood’s children feel about their father? These people are publicly humiliated. I feel especially sympathetic to people like Hillary Clinton and Caroline Kennedy who go in front of millions of people and tell them how great their husband or father is while dealing with personal betrayal.

It’s scary how prevalent adultery is. So many movies and television shows revolve around a love triangle. They even turn it into something comical, hiding mistresses and misters in closets and under beds. To me, it’s not very comical—it ruins kids’ lives; it ruins spouses’ lives. It’s embarrassing, it causes depression and children who come from parents who cheat are more likely themselves to cheat. In her journal, a student from one of our Healthy Relationships 101 programs wrote that she believes that young people seeing things like infidelity on television makes you think it’s okay.

But it extends beyond television. From sites like AshleyMadison.com that helps connect cheating spouses with potential partners to an iPhone app that gives people the means of sending texts without their spouses seeing, the sphere of infidelity becomes broader as technology becomes more advanced.

My hope is that this generation of kids sees how hurtful it is to be on the other side of a cheating scandal. Maybe, before they consider infidelity, they will find the courage to think about what is missing from their relationship. And, either be honest with their spouse and try to work things out OR separate. I think it takes more courage to be honest. And I think it hurts a lot less in the long run.

- Maria

The women are impossibly beautiful—polished to gleaming perfection, preternaturally poised and unattainably thin. Think Jennifer Aniston, Kate Hudson, Anne Hathaway. The men are your everyman writ large, with just a dollop of self-deprecating charm and humor. Think Paul Rudd, Jason Siegel, Tom Hanks. They are attractive but they are no match for their female counterparts.

The movies themselves always show the couple on their good days. The falling in love part. The laughs, the sentimental moments, and the passionate love scenes. Any negativity is just a precursor to the golden reunion. But as many people have pointed out before me, they leave out the day-to-day realities of a relationship where people lose their temper or get annoyed. The parts that really test the relationship. They don’t show the challenges of being in relationships long-term…and they can’t really; they only have 120 minutes, after all. Luckily, this isn’t all movies. There have been many great dramas on relationship struggles. But young kids don’t usually watch these. Kids watch Disney movies where the characters are perfect and they have perfect hair and perfect relationships. Then we grow up and are exposed to all the imperfections of life. But we are still waiting for Prince Charming.

For me, it’s my partner’s imperfections that I find the most endearing. And, many of my former boyfriends say the same thing about me. I have a slight lisp and they tell me that is something that attracts them to me. Life isn’t perfect. People aren’t perfect. Romantic comedies and Disney movies would still be enjoyable if the characters aren’t perfect. After all, Shrek gets the princess in the end. And, she gets him right back.

- Maria

Relationships On Campus

After a couple weeks of NVC training, I began to look back on the last couple years of my life through a new lens. I started thinking about how my perspective on relationships has evolved from the lovey-dovey Disney-Princess-love to surrounding myself with people who are honest, respectful and open. One of the more striking things I’ve noticed through my trip down memory lane is how the word “relationship” is rarely used to describe the bonds between men and women in college. It’s as if college students are creating terms to avoid describing what they have as a relationship: “Hooking up,” “Non-/Exclusive” and “Friends with benefits” is language becoming more and more popular.

Through working with the Alliance for Sexual Assault Prevention program at my college, I am aware of the discontent that many students feel with the ambiguity of different “relationships.” At first, I thought this was unique to my college; however, the more I researched the issue, I found that many students from a variety of colleges seemed to be unsatisfied with their college’s relationship culture.

One of the most notable aspects of college hookup culture is the power dynamic. The list of behavioral expectations for men and women is endless. For example: women are supposed to wait for the men to initiate the relationship, which puts women in the backseat. As a result, these women find themselves restrained from expressing how they really feel, which can have detrimental effects on them and their relationships. Furthermore, the social culture reinforces prescribed notions of masculinity and femininity that promote unhealthy relationships. Men as power holders and women as sexual objects is highlighted by party themes such as “CEOs and Office Hos,” “Bros and Hos” and “Professor and Dirty School Girls.” This disconnect creates a pressure for both genders to abide by foolish expectations.

I have spent the last year involved with programs that aim to help students navigate the dating scene, or lack of thereof. Through this work, I have discovered how important communication can be to maintain and develop healthy relationships of all different types. In addition to new classes and new dorms, students are meeting new people and developing new kinds of relationships where communication is vital. These situations range from asking your roommate to pick up after themselves to speaking out against sexual assault. Both of these circumstances are extremely different and require unique vocabulary, but both require the person wronged to be confident enough to speak out.

In my opinion, feeling satisfied and hopeful is the best side effect of learning communication skills. After learning NVC, I know that my voice is important and valid. As a result, I feel renewed and content. I know that I can’t stop bad things from happening to me, but I know that I will be able express how I feel and what I need to make myself feel fulfilled. In being in touch with these feelings, my needs for communication, understanding and self-expression are met. Knowing these needs and feelings is important because I am now more honest with myself and with others.

-Janki, summer intern

FEELINGS: satisfied, hopeful, renewed, content, fulfilled
NEEDS:  communication, understanding, self-expression

Last Monday night, I went to an introductory lecture about Nonviolent Communication.  It is held on the first Monday of every month by Thom Bond. It’s really an incredible and simple way to submerge yourself into nonviolent communication. I highly recommend going. In order to introduce more people to this communication skill set, The Relationship Foundation attends most First Monday Intros and brings along a guest or two. You can register for a class here: www.firstmondays.org.

This particular First Monday Intro was special for me because my mother attended. I wasn’t convinced I was ready to bring anyone with me because I still have a lot to learn myself, but my mom had asked me a few questions about what I do at The Relationship Foundation and why I trust that our teachings work. To the best of my ability, I concluded that she needed clarification and inclusion. I invited her to come because I figured that she would not only appreciate the invitation; she would also be able to trust the information coming from an NVC professional, as opposed to hearing about it from her little girl. My mom listened, asked questions, took notes and participated in the activity presented. She met Michael Jascz, the Director of The Relationship Foundation, and two of the interns that I work with. She was clearly pleased to be involved.

On the drive home, we talked about the Intro and discussed her opinion of it. She expressed her concerns as well as her curiosities. She asked about my own thoughts about the subject, and my experiences working here. It was obvious that my mother was in need of understanding, consideration and learning.

My mom has always made it a point to be very involved with whatever her four children get involved in. She likes to understand what it is we’re passionate about and why. I’m glad that my mom attended the Intro, because she knows who I spend my days with and what I spend most of my time working on. It’s fun to share, and it’s rejuvenating when someone you care about cares about a passion of yours. Knowledge is power.

- Annarose

FEELINGS: concern, glad, rejuvenated
NEEDS: clarification, inclusion, participation, understanding, consideration, learning, fun

After interning at The Relationship Foundation for one month, I have been posed the question:

How has NVC impacted your life in the past 4 weeks?

I can’t say that life is the same after reading Marshall Rosenberg’s, “Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life,” because it isn’t. As part of the well-loved (at least by ourselves) cohort of twenty-somethings, I’ve dutifully tried out nearly every healthy living fad in town: yoga to Tazo tea; positive psychology self-help books to Richard Carlson’s, “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff”; counting to 10 before I speak to speaking whatever is on my mind. Finally, through Nonviolent Communication, I have found a practice that is not only realistic but applicable to every situation I encounter throughout my day-to-day routine.

While yoga, tea and “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff” are wonderful supplements to help us navigate this confusing world filled with exasperating paradoxes, I found that I lacked the core skills to make the most of them. I agreed when Carlson said, “You are what you practice most.” But after taking a moment to reflect, I realized I didn’t really have any idea what he was talking about. I understand that whatever I practice is ultimately what I will become, but then one has to wonder: What should I practice? Rosenberg took it from there.

Nonviolent Communication, or NVC as the regulars call it, teaches us to assess our daily situations by observation not evaluation. Consider a situation where you have gotten upset with a friend or colleague. Maybe you have plans to catch lunch with a friend on your birthday and she arrives an hour late. Instead of building up resentment throughout the lunch so that you must either excuse yourself or unload two years’ worth of unsettled disputes onto her, you might try the NVC way. Prior to learning how to put NVC into practice I would have handled this situation very differently; now, when I observe a situation I try to imagine as if I’m sitting on a tree limb (or an awning, if you’re in New York City,) watching myself interact with others. Next, I question the emotions I am feeling. In the case of a friend arriving late to lunch, I would ask myself: Am I irritable, anxious and dejected? I then question what my needs are: Do I need acceptance, intimacy and consideration? Finally, I am able to conclude that I am most likely feeling irritable and dejected because my need for consideration is not being fulfilled.

NVC is unique because it requests that after you identify your own needs and feelings, you must then try to identify the needs and feelings of the other person. I might ask my friend what had caused her to be late. She might explain to me that today was her only day off from work and she had lost track of time reading, her favorite relaxation pastime. These clues would help me to recognize that she had a need for ease and peace of mind, and rushing to make our lunch date had in fact caused her to experience some anguish. NVC does not mean putting someone else’s needs above or below your own; it’s not a zero-sum type of approach. Rather, NVC guides you towards recognizing your own needs and feelings and understanding how they interact with the needs and feelings of others.

Though my lunch date situation is completely fictional, I would guess that after I identified both of our needs and feelings, I would express them to my friend. Language filled with blame and judgments (“You neglected me.”) only incites anger or depression in the very person with whom you are seeking to develop a more intimate bond. Next time you feel the urge to pull out the blame-and-shame language, consider the emotions those words will rouse in your receiver.

-Caitlin, summer intern

Act Like A Woman; Think Like A Man
Will I Ever Be Perfect?

Children are growing up in a world where they are surrounded by unattainable standards of physical perfection, and they are gaining an awareness of these standards at an earlier and earlier age. These expectations can have devastating consequences such as depression, anxiety and low self-confidence. I vividly remember the moment that prompted my interest in the subject: I was lying on my bed attempting to pick out an outfit for a family even later that night, when my beautiful little cousin, only six years old at that time, looked at me and stated, “I am ugly. I wish I was pretty like you.” I was flabbergasted and bewildered. I had no idea how a child so young, so pure, could think such negative thoughts about herself. As she grew older, I saw her fascination with makeup and clothing increase. Currently, at the age of eleven, her knowledge about beauty products is that of an adult’s. And she is not alone.

This fascination with physical appearance stems from the expectations presented by our visual culture. American teenagers are spending more time watching movies, reading magazines and listening to/watching music than ever before. Through this media, the message is being endlessly repeated that the most important feature for a woman is her body; for a man, his power. In order to feel fulfilled, successful or accepted, they need to adhere to these “norms.” Such pressure leads to increased anxiety, depression, eating disorders and violence. A teenager who self-objectifies is more likely to have lower ambition, confidence, GPAs and class participation. Therefore, they are less likely to become CEOs, doctors, lawyers and Presidents of the United States. This disparity in ambition creates a division between boys and girls which can impact relationships.

In addition to reinforcing unattainable ideals of beauty, the media also creates a “sex sells” culture. Men view women as sexual objects, and women hate and demean other women based on their looks. Women start to view leadership as a man’s quality, and relationships begin to fall apart. The expectations that men and women have of each other begin young: young girls are told to express their feelings; boys are told to hide their feelings. For boys, communication and expression are seen as signs of weakness. In order to be a man, one must be everything that a woman is not. This idea is reinforced as a young man is growing up: boys are told not to cry; girls are comforted when they burst into tears. As they grow older, different coming of age rituals (prom, fraternity rushing, etc.) reinforce these standards. With these expectations, how can any young person have the knowledge to have healthy relationships?

I’m astonished at the lack of school involvement when it comes to this topic. By the age of seven, young boys and girls have somewhat of an understanding about gender roles; yet, the topic does not come up in curricula until years later. The only time I, personally, remember learning about women’s history or important female figures was in my AP US History class. And even then, women’s history was reduced to women’s right to vote. Understanding the significance of gender inequality and the struggle that women have endured to have a voice in this country helps boys and girls to view each other as equals. This knowledge rivals the media’s messages and expectations.

So why aren’t schools teaching this? Without any efforts to counteract the media, how are young boys and girls going to develop? How are they going to learn to respect one another as intellectuals? How are they going to learn not to objectify one another or, worse, self-objectify?

When I think about the media’s representation of men and women, I feel ashamed, enraged and puzzled because my needs for community, understanding and security are not being met. However, after joining The Relationship Foundation staff, I am hopeful that there are programs raising awareness about the unrealistic expectations of beauty and gender roles. I am excited to continue working with such a revolutionary organization!

-Janki, summer intern

FEELINGS: ashamed, enraged, puzzled, hopeful
NEEDS: community, understanding, security

We are very excited to announce a new blogging format to bring you weekly posts

Be sure to check back with us on Monday for the launch!

-The Relationship Foundation

Suspension Rates at a Washington School Drop 85%: Does Kindness Play a Role?

CLICK HERE TO READ FULL ARTICLE.

We are thrilled to announce our debut on The Huffington Post! Look forward to more publications in the coming months under HuffPo’s Education section.

CLICK HERE TO READ OUR DEBUT ARTICLE!

Endless thanks to the many who have helped us reach this exciting platform.